


You Don't Get a Say

by aidennestorm



Series: We Keep Living [5]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Star Trek Fusion, Angst, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Power Dynamics, Protectiveness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-03 08:04:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21176120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aidennestorm/pseuds/aidennestorm
Summary: Another day, another choice Washington makes to protect his traumatized lieutenant— no matter what Hamilton wants.





	You Don't Get a Say

Washington has never seen his boy so guarded.

_ No,  _ he realizes, a flash of inescapable reality jolting painfully up his spine. Not  _ never.  _ More like—not since that goddamn planet. More like, not since their captor held a phaser to Hamilton’s head and demanded that Washington do the unthinkable, and he  _ did, _ and after the shock and betrayal and heartbreak had flashed across Hamilton’s face upon realizing his fate, it smoothed into a careful, brittle mask.

It’s the  _ exact same _ look, and Washington  _ hates _ it. Hates that he’s making Hamilton suffer, again and again and  _ again. _ Hates that faced with the same choices, he hasn’t learned. He knows he’ll  _ never _ learn, that he would still even now damn both their souls to save his boy.

“You know I have to address my concerns with Dr. Schuyler,” Washington says, throat tight, unable to stall in mounting, tense silence any longer.

Hamilton’s eyebrow rises. His voice is deceptively even when he asks, “Have you been watching me, sir?”

_ Yes. _

_ No. _

_ Perhaps. _

“I don’t need to watch you to know what’s been going on.”

It’s not an answer, and Hamilton knows it. It’s impossible for Washington to keep the entirety of the guilt out of his expression; it’s been inescapable, ubiquitous in every corner of the ship, every breath, every beat of his aching heart, choking him when all he wants to say is  _ I’m sorry. I’m sorry. _

He hasn’t. Not yet. The first time he tried, Hamilton slid off his biobed before Washington could finish a sentence, monitoring sensors blaring in alarm as Hamilton tried to storm out of sickbay but collapsed halfway to the door. The second time Hamilton claimed an existing engagement, and Washington found out only through Schuyler’s report that Hamilton had fractured his kneecap and sprained an elbow practicing krav maga with Mulligan.

Washington hasn’t tried since. And then… weeks of sporadic replicator logs. Working hours recorded far off Hamilton’s usual duty shift, in the late night hours when he should have been asleep. The concerned glances from fellow crew growing until, despite the fact that Hamilton’s work never suffered, not once, Washington was forced to step in. He  _ can’t _ let Hamilton keep hurting himself, but— therein lies the problem. It seems that hurting Hamilton is all  _ he _ can ever do, either.

Hamilton takes a step back, his shoulders drawn tight, readying himself to run. So different from the Hamilton he knows— knew— with his fury and fire and outbursts, or his brash, brilliant panache. And Washington hates himself that once more he’s dragging things into the light that should have stayed buried.

“You’re relieved of duty,” Washington declares. It’s not a relief to say. “You will report immediately to Dr. Schuyler and submit to her treatment plan.”

Hamilton doesn’t even look surprised, but finally there’s a tinge of emotion in his voice when he demands, a statement instead of a question, “You couldn’t even leave me  _ this.” _

Washington turns away, staring at the darkness through his ready room window with his hands clasped behind his back. He makes sure they don’t shake. “Dismissed, Lieutenant.”

The door hisses as Hamilton takes his leave— and trapped between the void ahead of him and the void behind, Washington closes his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to DLY, as always. <3


End file.
